Let me start again. You see, our kitten Clare, now about 4 months old, has this incessant need to suckle on my clothes. Anytime I sit down, she climbs up near my neck and hunkers down with a soon-to-be-soggy bit of shirt in her mouth.
I really wouldn't mind, except the suckling is accompanied by kneading, and now my chest and neck are so scratched up it looks like I've been dating Mike Tyson. And my clothes are covered in spit. Like I've been dating, well, Mike Tyson.
So, I decided to Google "kitten suckling" to see how long this might all last. Here's what I found:
"This is embarrassing to disclose, but my 16 week-old Russian Blue has a very odd quirk, unique from my prior kittens. When I go to bed at night, Shale comes and lays on my chest, and usually will snuggle up, start kneading, and begin dry nursing on my nipple..."
Huh. I have to admit, it has never occurred to me to actually breastfeed my pets. But, let us explore the pros and cons.
Pro: The weight loss.
Con: Problem posting breastfeeding photo on Facebook.
Pro: Annoying people who can't abide by public breastfeeding.
Con: Sharp teeth.
Pro: Protecting kitten from peanut allergy later in life.
Con: Pumping before work. And finding tiny bottles.
Pro: Savings on kitten chow.
Con: Once it gets around, what would my neighbors say? What if they want me to breastfeed their pets, too?
Pro: Sleeping during night feedings.
Con: I bet those whiskers tickle. And I think that's going to have to be the deal-breaker.