Friday, January 23, 2009

P.S. And your hand dryer scares me

Dear Mr. Dyson:

Your vacuum cleaner sucks. And not in the way a vacuum is supposed to.

Not long ago, I traded in my sturdy, but bulky and aging vacuum for your metrosexual model. I wanted to love not just your cyclone technology, but you as well. I envisioned my home transformed - orderly rooms, sleek furniture, rugs you can eat off of (and not just because granola bars have been ground into them).

But, my friend from across the pond, it was not to be. Within the first days of use, the vacuum met Moon Sand. Have you met Moon Sand, Sir James Dyson? I thought not.

It's an enticing product sold via TV commercials to young children, like mine, who watch too many cartoons. Moon Sand, it turns out, is made not of sand from the moon, which, note to NASA: you should sue over and get some money to pay down the federal deficit. Instead, it is a clay-sand-glue substance that clings to carpets, sock bottoms and to your ribs, I would suppose, if you were to eat it.

And if your vacuum can't handle Moon Sand, OK and some fireplace ashes, maybe a lot of fireplace ashes, too, then you should say so.

You should say (imagine this part with a British accent): Beautifully cleans up spilled cracker crumbs, should one of your well-dressed guests gets crazy with the pâté.

But, if you're thinking (still with accent) of vacuuming Moon Sand, fireplace ashes, and OK, some little pieces from the Operation game (no matter how satisfying that sound might be), then this isn't the vacuum for you.

Yes to eyelashes shed by baby kittens; no to Moon Sand, fireplace ashes, little pieces from the Operation game (no matter how satisfying that sound might be), and OK, pancake batter.

Cause no matter how many times you rinse out the patented-technology filter, your vacuum is just not the same after meeting Moon Sand, fireplace ashes, little pieces from the Operation game (no matter how satisfying that sound might be), pancake batter, and OK, bone marrow harvested during an at-home procedure.

And I thought you should know.


Mary Harrington


  1. Excellent, my dear. Totally excellent. You get two thumbs up from me and you'll have two blogs on my blog rool.

    The Texas Woman

  2. So funny! I swear they need moms to desgin these products. Men design them all and then they always rise to the challenges they face in homes with children!

  3. I love the hand dryer and I want them at work. And at home. LOVE IT.

  4. Thank you for saving me from another dreadful mistake.
    Mistake #1: Kirby (weighs 300 pounds, doesn't do stairs, too expensive)
    Mistake #2: Oreck (upright part works ok but doesn't do edges, canister part separate and completely useless)
    Was planniing on a Dyson next. Now what do I get?

  5. God help me. The Son received Moon Sand from one of his little friends for his birthday and as he was opening it, my sister made eye contact with me and snickered a little bit...guess what her daughter's getting on her next birthday. We haven't opened it and after reading this, I'm not sure we will until summer when we can play with our moon sand outside!

  6. OMG, this was hysterical! Love your writing style! Plus, it was a great review of this so-called product as well, since I am in the market for new vacuum. Thank you for this!

  7. Absolutely HILARIOUS... I love this blog :-)

  8. I really like your blog as well, thank you!

  9. My Vacuum also met moon sand, I don't think there's a vacuum out there that can handle moon sand.

  10. I have message for MR Dyson. your ideas is very good, and I know its very difficult design a new invention.Because I'm inventor too and I have invention about intelligent vacuum cleaner and I made it 1 year ago.unfortunately I don't have enough money to register my invention and I'm sure if someone can helps me,we can make a lot of money.I'm so sorry for my English,because I cant speak English very well.My name is Mehdi and me email is .I hope to day speak with MR Dyson in future.

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